Hill of Beans

Dearest Hollywood, why do you have such a problem with Boston accents? You can pull off that British thing, no prob. I would swear Gwyneth was a Brit (though her pal Madonna...not so much, but I digress).

Yep, in general, other accents don't seem to give you much trouble. Ralph Fiennes was super scary in Schindler's list, and from what I can gather, his accent was spot on.

Ed "I'm Chuck Bass" Westwick rocks an American accent with ease on Gossip Girl, even though he's a Brit.

But the Boston wanna be's? They just can't do it. I just saw this trailer and was troubled once again:



Leo, Leo, Leo. I heart you, really, I do. But like many who have come before you, you cannot pull off the Boston accent. When I watch this trailer for Shutter Island, I...um, well...I shutter. It's like Robin Williams trying to match Matt Damon in Good Will Hunting and it's just not right. Unfortunately, only Matt Damon sounds Matt Damon-ish, and really, he and only a handful of other actors can do the Boston thing. This means Hollywood's hiring pool is sorta limited to Damon, Affleck and Marky Mark.

I'm not even going to get into all those David E. Kelly shows.

Surely, I must be wrong. Have I left out other proven candidates for future Boston-based movies or tv shows that won't come off sounding like Kennedy's on crack? Discuss as you pahk yawr cah.

Now pass the chowdah.

Sleepy Time

I truly wanted to love Hammertime, the latest reality show that premiered last night on A&E. And yes, this was about MC Hammer himself, but not really in the "Where are they now/Behind the music-ish" way you might hope.

Sure there are the obligatory trips down memory lane to Hammer's former fame and fortune, like when spring cleaning results in "finding" some old memorabilia (really, Hammertime producers? Can you maybe stretch those creative muscles a teensy bit more?).

But the thing about Hammertime is that nothing really happens. Like, NOTHING. You know it's a bad sign when the first 10 minutes of the premiere are basically about the search for Hammer's missing cell phone...which is really just a plot machination to set up the reason for the spring cleaning, which is REALLY just to set up the reason to find the memorabilia. Sigh. I've been doing this way, way too long.

While one would hope there would be more heartfelt chatter about his past, like, how he blew through millions of dollars, instead there seems to be no end in sight to the endless opportunities to milk his catch phrases...i.e. "What time is it?". Crinnnnnnnnnge.

The other objective of this series seems to be to show the world that MC is super dad, which is great, except for the fact that it's just all rainbows and unicorns and happy all the time! Even the Brady Bunch had Marcia getting socked in the nose by that football once in awhile, ya know? On Hammertime, sure, there's a kid with some slipping grades, but it's all fixed and tied up with a bow by the end of the episode. Yawn.

MC Hammer aka Stanley Burrell seems like a nice enough fellow, so I wish him well. And I think those pants were kind of nifty.

But I'm sorry, as for the show...I just can't touch this.

She Works Hard for the Money

Dear Brooke Shields,

Please fire your agent. I'm sorry Lipstick Jungle tanked, cuz I actually sort of liked it. Or maybe you're pissed you have to play Miley's MOM in Hannah Montana, but are things so bad that you had to make these Latisse commercials?

Now, I'm not against you doing commercials per se. I think your Coppertone commercials serve an important skin care purpose, and I've almost gotten past those weird Volkswagen commercials you did, but Latisse??

For those of you who haven't seen these ads, please indulge me and click here.

So, Latisse is some kind of freaky goop to rub on your eyelids that will (allegedly) grow fuller and darker lashes. Is this a void that needed to be filled in the marketplace? And before I get the letters from the sick people with no eyelashes, I'm not talking about people who've lost their eyelashes from disease. Nope. This is Brooke Shields, who lost them from years of tough-love beauty crap, like ripping off false eyelashes, and this ad is OBVIOUSLY targeted at the Botox generation. Plus, I mean, how is this not a Saturday Night Live skit?

After the voice-over chick ran down all the ways you might screw up your eyes from using this crap, I was waiting for her to caution that you might grow a leathery tail.

And I love how in this ad, Brooke is like at a party now because she has longer eyelashes, which is about as relevant as those herpes commercials where the couples are dancing on the beach and kayaking.

I've never quite understood how that works.

Also, why is she dancing with some dude that's not her husband? Is that her new and improved eyelash hubby?

As usual, I digress. Meanwhile, in other weird celeb endorsement news...

What's up with the fake kids in the Marcia Cross commercial for Mott's? It's like they all had their hair dyed the same L'Oreal Red #6. Although I am quite sure Marcia's lovely in real life, let's be honest - she always plays the crazies. Is this really who Mott's wants pretending to be all earth mother-y in their spots?

Maybe she should've been shilling for nuts.

Pain Aid

I refuse to write about the will-they-or-won't-they shenanigans of Spencer and Heidi on I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here!

It's not that I'm against some breezy summer tv, but I just can't let myself be lured into this unwatchable dreck AGAIN. And so, I don't care if Speidi come(s) back (Does one refer to plural grammar rules when referring to Speidi? I'm not sure. I digress...). With Speidi out of the picture for me, I've gone in search of some real summer-lovin'.

Tomorrow marks the debut of Royal Pains on USA. I am going to check it out. Maybe you should, too.

It stars Mark Feuerstein. He's one of THOSE actors, the kind that you know you've seen somewhere, but you're not sure where. To me, he'll always be the guy I used to see almost every morning at the Coffee Bean in West Hollywood. He seemed like a nice enough fellow, and once, when he was sitting at the next table from me as I was trying to be all cool Hollywood writer-ish with my laptop, I overheard his entire conversation and he was being really, really nice and helpful to some wanna-be actor. From that I've always decided he is nice and deserves our support. Plus, he was always smiley and unpretentious and from what I can remember, he used to shuffle in wearing pajama pants.

One the other hand, in researching this little ditty, I discovered he named his child Frisco Jones, so I do wonder about his sanity. Frisco JONES...as in the rocker/spy General Hospital Jack Wagner character. Is this really true? I need to know. Some might say it's ALL I NEED.

Wink, wink.






Anyhoo...the show looks harmless and fun and certainly worth a look. Plus, it's got Campbell Scott, who I haven't seen since the premature cancellation of Six Degrees. I'm glad he's on it, but is it just me or does he always get cast as a douche? Is douche an acceptable literary term? So many questions, so little time.

You can check out a clip below. Royal Pains premieres Thursday night on USA.

57 Channels (And Nothin’ On)

It's still a desert out there.

In an effort to be hip, I resorted to watching some of the MTV Movie Awards, but when it took me a minute or two to place High School Musical star Vanessa Hudgens, I began to feel old. Cut me some slack though...this is an awards ceremony that not only nominated Bride Wars for an acting award (really, MTV?) but where MILEY CYRUS beat out Bruce Springsteen for best song from a movie.

It was at that point that I changed the channel and worried that the pop culture apocalypse was near.

Watching I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here the following night did nothing to ease these fears, but at least it made me feel a little better about myself. Seeing all of these "stars" with makeup-free faces greasier than if they were working the fry-o-later at Mickey D's gave me more joy than I anticipated.

Spencer and Heidi on the other hand...until last night, I'd prided myself on successfully avoiding The Hills and any affiliated nonsense.

Seeing those morons speak for the first time made me mad. Mad at them for being morons, mad at myself for being complicit with NBC's attempts to cater to the lowest common denominator, mad that I am indeed being sucked into Speidi's web of lies and tuning in to see if they quit the show or not.

And mad that I am now looking forward to The Real Housewives of New Jersey tonight as a quasi-legitimate source of entertainment. What else am I gonna watch...the series finale of According to Jim?

Yep, still on the air (who knew?) and the info button reveals (*finale spoiler alert*) that Jim chokes on a shrimp puff.

Now, if only someone would feed one to Speidi?

Town Ease

What a lame, lame, lame week in television.

I am trapped in the re-run and reality show desert. It's Thursday night and I want to time travel back to the 90's and watch Friends, Seinfeld and Clooney-era ER.

But alas, I cannot (well, technically I can if I watch TBS...but you know what I mean).

So, since I can't REALLY go back, I thought I'd look to the future and scoped out two upcoming ABC shows, Cougar Town, and Happy Town. ABC was also once home to the short-lived Molly Ringwald show Townies. Apparently, show naming is HARD.

ABC: also once home to Spin City.

Ok, I'll stop.

Anyway, here's a little sneak peak at Cougar Town: (And if you can't see the clip below, you can view it by clicking here:)



Here's the lowdown:

What's I Like It's from Exec Producer Bill Lawrence (Scrubs). If anyone is good at awkward comedy, it's him.

That is, of course, if you like that sort of thing.

And, Courtney Cox is good when she leaves the annoying side of Monica at home, but that brings me to...

What I Don't Like I see a little annoying Monica seeping in here. Also, less pratfalls please. Unless you're Lucille Ball, that kind of humor is almost impossible to pull off and kind of annoying.

Verdict Has potential, though it seems like the kind of show I start to like, only to have it get sent to Friday Night Death Row. Remember me, Lipstick Jungle and Six Degrees? Sigh.





Now, onto Happy Town, which you can watch by clicking here if you cannot see the clip below:



What I Like As I watch this clip, it's like my favorite game of NAME THAT RANDOM ACTOR!!! October Road heartthrob Geoff Stults is now some kind of sheriff-y guy; the desk dude from ER looks like he is also a long arm of the law; that old lady that was a creepy stalker of Gabby and Carlos on Desperate Housewives pops up, too, along with the dude that was the lead OTHER on LOST, sticking to what he knows best....creepy.

What I Don't Like What is this about, exactly?

Verdict Jury's out if this will be the next Twin Peaks (like they are advertising) or if it will be Pushing Daisies.

Stay tuned!

Jon + Kate plus Hate

I am hungover.

No, I did not drink last night, but I am still recovering from the major BUMMER STORM that was Jon + Kate Plus 8. Now, I know what you're thinking - didn't she just say yesterday that she wasn't going to cave and watch it?

Boredom's a bitch.

Well, that and the gravitational pull from all the Facebook status updates imploring me to tune in.

Now, I have never, ever seen this show. I do not know what the appeal of it is/was supposed to be, though I suspect it's mainly in seeing the super cute kids x 8 say adorable things as they get into hijinks. But man oh man, that is not what last night's episode was about.

The bulk of the ep contained alternating interviews with Jon and Kate seemingly alluding to, but, it should be noted, never actually saying how much they hate each other. This was depressing in proportions so epic, I could've watched a movie marathon of Schindler's List, Leaving Las Vegas and Terms of Endearment (maybe a doc on puppy mills, too) and still felt better. Seriously! This was like an infomercial for misery!

Again, I must openly confess I have never seen this show, so maybe this unfortunate random sampling is not the norm, but I found a disturbing contrast between Jon, who seemed like a hostage, and Kate, who was just a wee bit she-doth-protest-too-loudly-ish about hating all the tabloid attention. Jon, it's ok if you were cavorting in bars at 2am...that bee-otch would drive me to drink, too.

Well, I gave it a shot but I like my reality TV the same way I like my comfort food: cheesy and easy.

Real Housewives of New Jersey, who knew you would suddenly become my beacons of hope?

Judgment Day

It started innocently enough.

The finales are over. It's not quite summer. The premiere of Mad Men Season 3, is far, far away, and I still don't have a job.

What's a girl to do to pass the time?

I'll tell ya what she shouldn't do. She should NOT watch The Real Housewives of New Jersey, but of course, that is exactly what I did.

I've resisted all the other incarnations of this franchise, because I've realllllly grown weary of these attention-whore populated reality shows, but still, when a friend told me it was HIGH-larious, I caved.


Is it entertaining? Of course, in a very SNL version of the Sopranos kind of way. Are the women on the program appalling? Totally, especially that creepy plastic-faced one, Danielle. Do I think I'll watch it again?

Um, probably.

Fine, judge me all you want! But, I'm not working and quite frankly as guilty pleasures go, this one's like Cheez Whiz wrapped in bacon. On top of a Dorito. With some Cheetos on the side.

Hmm, maybe I'm just hungry.

Anyway, this is pure camp. The most vapid, McMansion-filled, bad for Jerzzzzzzzey hour of television, ever. Cat fights? Check. Big hair? Check. Bad Accents? Like, oh my gawd, check.

In other words, set your DVR.

Judge me if you want to, but in my defense, at least I did not fall prey to the marketing machine that is Jon and Kate plus their publicists 8. However, if YOU want to, the season premiere is tonight on TLC.

And the next new episode of The Real Housewives of New Jersey is Tuesday, on Bravo.

The Last Laugh

Look at you, CW Network, becoming all hip and trendy!

If you haven't been paying attention, this is a big week in television, The Upfronts. This is where (hopefully) eager advertisers get a peak at the Fall season and are enticed to part with what's left of their ad budgets to put behind the BIG shows coming up.

The CW, once a poor man's Fox Network, is not so suddenly like, the hippest cat on the dial.

Gossip Girl is of course back on the sked for Season 3 (duh) as is One Tree Hill. America's Top Model? Also back. And the new 90210? Still going.

As for the new stuff...no doubt cashing in on the wild success of the Twilight series, The Vampire Diaries will take a bite out of Thursdays.


In an interesting move, CW has eliminated ALL SITCOMS.

So on that note, I present to you teaser clips for two of their new shows. With the sitcom ban in place, I assume these are not meant to be funny.

First, The Beautiful Life is produced by Ashton Kutcher (WTF?) and stars Mischa Barton in a big acting stretch as a bitchy model. Check it out:

But of course, I know you only care a little about the models. You want to know the fate of the new Melrose Place, which incidentally, will air right after 90210 come Fall. I have no clue why Sydney (Laura Leighton) has become so whispery and breathy in this clip, and I'm not super psyched about the network's press release calling her "still beautiful at 40" (thanks a lot CW...I'll be off to get some Botox now...) but I did enjoy the surprising star who pops up at the end, who, like Laura Leighton, appears to have been cryogenically frozen since Melrose 1.0 went off the air in '99.


Some more fun facts: the pilot was directed by Davis Guggenheim; you may know him for his super cool musem-y name or his famous film, "An Inconvenient Truth"; I know him as Elisabeth Shue's hubby. That's Elisabeth SHUE...as in ANDREW SHUE'S sister. Can a Billy Campbell appearance be far behind?

And speaking of random nepotism-ish stories, the blonde chick that pops up at 1:51 in this clip (who is also the brown haired star on Harper's Island) is the daughter of David Cassidy. As in, "I Think I Love You".

I think I love CW.

Who Knew?

Oh Grey's! How you keep me guessing.

*Spoilers*

Yes, I finally got to check out the finale (albeit by watching it On Demand where fast forward was disabled and I was FORCED to watch the ads. What desperate tactics, ABC!).

It's not exactly a big secret that T.R. Knight and Katherine Heigl were likely headed out the door, but I have to admit, the George twist threw me for a loop. Not the Army twist - the second they rolled in the kid who wanted his leg chopped off, I just knew Georgie was headed to Iraq. But somehow, someway, I never saw it coming that John Doe was George. I had forgotten that George's nickname was 007, and so when Meredith exclaimed "Oh God!" upon realizing John Doe=George, I was all "What's going on?", in a really non-aware idiot way, kind of how I was years ago at the end of the Sixth Sense when the whole theater was gasping "Bruce Willis is dead!" and I'm kinda focused on how yummy peanut M&M's are with popcorn and not really catching the twist.

Anyhoo, kind of a cool twist, though I didn't so much...care.

As for Izzy...as I predicted, we ended with a "Will she or won't she make it?" scene, complete with monitor shot. Told ya so!



I will probably still watch next season, but Shonda Rhimes better pull a rabbit out of her hat because this show seems to have jumped the shark around the time Izzy cut Denny's LVAD wire. Shonda's got her work cut out for her, because I think we've used up all the Seattle Grace employees-as-patients we can handle. Perhaps not so shockingly, I have some requests.

Please give Meredith and Derek something to do, other than getting fake-married.

And please, no more fake Denny.

And please, please, no more fake Burke...I'm talking to you, weirdo, emotionally unavailable Christina Yang love interest fake-killer guy. Ew.